Stop Sucking on Twitter


Hey, nerds. Today I’m gonna teach you how to stop ruining everything on Twitter. So listen the fuck up, while  I drop some gems.

Stop telling everyone about your rejections

Do you make a profile on and talk all about the times you got dumped by that loser Jared? NO. Why? Because all the other dudes or lady-dudes on the site are gonna be like “Ew. Why is she talking about Jared?” instead of focusing on your beautiful picture/personality/butt. Think of Twitter that way. If you’re querying, there’s zero reason to make your rejections public. Zero. None. No reason. ONLY BAD REASONS. It’s a bad decision, like Jared was. Do you want to go back to that cheating sack of shit? No, didn’t think so. Let agents assume you have a million fulls out, let them believe everyone loves your book. Don’t give them pause or reason to doubt how sick it is. It’s okay to not Tweet some things. Some things are for Twitter/your blog and some things are for Gchat. Rejections are for Gchat.


Stop telling everyone about your fulls, partials

THIS IS JUST AS BAD. You are being a humble brag, or an actual brag, and nobody thinks it’s cute. Also? This industry requires discretion sometimes, and if you can’t keep your mouth shut on Twitter during querying, agents will question if you can keep your mouth shut during submissions. And everyone will hate you.

Stop telling me how to publish

I don’t think I have ever gone to an indie author’s page and said HAHA GET AN AGENT. So why is it that self-published authors so often like to point out how happy they are they don’t have to deal with queries/people telling them what to do on one of me or my friends feeds? If you want to self-publish that’s awesome, high five friend, but don’t come over here and laugh at my pain while I’m querying or tell me to “go indie” or whatever because I will set my face on fire next time. I have a lighter.

Don’t auto DM me

DM of loser I just followed: “Hi, there! I can’t wait to connect with you on Twitter!”

Me: Unplugs computer, throws it in dumpster. Lights face on fire (I WARNED YOU!)

Auto DM’s don’t work. Sorry. They don’t. I don’t care what that marketing person at that one shitty company told you. They lied. It’s probably Jared. The only way to connect with people on social media is by doing just that. Connecting with them. Talk to them. Care about them and their stuff and be a nice real human! Not a spamming spam bot who has no friends.

Don’t follow to unfollow

So help me. The only reason to follow someone is because you want to read their Tweets and interact with them. Das it. Not to increase your numbers, not because you “should,” because you want to and they interest you. We’ve all seen the authors who follow 89K and have 89K followers. I usually won’t follow you back if you have these kinds of #’s because chances are you’re just Tweeting links to your book all day and NO THANKS. If you follow me to get a follow back, you’re shit out of luck. And if you follow me and I think, “hey this person is nice,” and follow you back, and three seconds later you unfollow me…don’t. Don’t be a bag of dicks, okay? Don’t do this. I’ve also seen people complain about authors not following them back lately (or agents, pfft) but here’s the thing. I’m under no obligation to follow you just because we both write. You know how many writers there are on Twitter? No, me either and probably because we both can’t count that high, (math, amirite?) Follow me if you like what I tweet. But if you’re boring, or Tweeting links to your book all day, or I don’t like your face, I’m not gonna follow you. Get over it.

Don’t ruin it for the rest of us

Can’t count the number of times I’ve seen authors pitch on the #MSWL tag (don’t) try and pitch an agent on Twitter out of the blue (STAHP) or be a jerk on the feed during one of the pitch contests. It’s easy to learn the rules for these contest if you just take a minute of your precious time to read. If  you DON’T like a contest or agents, or writers on Twitter the solution is simple: get the fuck out of our hashtags. You can be happy on your own #bagofdicks or #IloveJared tags, okay? We don’t come bother you on there. If you think we’re “pathetic” (saw someone say this just last week) for being in contests cool, but just you know, fuck right off.

A final note: Think of Twitter as a dinner party, where you’re allowed to be a little silly, and you could meet some important people, but also Obama is coming so don’t take your pants off. Twitter is a great place to meet writers, see what agents are looking for, interact with the publishing world and build your platform. It can be an awesome resource when people don’t have their heads up their butts. I love you guys, but stop being so annoying.

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